Letters to the editor

Don’t worry, says Facebook. Trust us. We know there are no fire hydrants in Tierra Del Mar. But sleep tight, our enormous fuel tanks won’t catch fire. We know that our equipment is huge, but it’s okay. The vibration is only enough to drill an 8-inch pipe one mile horizontally through the sea bed—certainly not enough to put so much as a hairline crack in your septic tank. It’ll be okay. Yeah, we have had our share of those annoying frack outs, but not to worry. We’ll figure out how to deal with it once it happens. It’s true the noise will be so bad that you won’t be able to carry on normal conversations during construction. But it’s okay. Cell phones don’t work in Tierra Del Mar anyway, so just use Facebook to get your message out.

And thank you for telling us how that powder we use, Bentonite, is a known carcinogen. Our workers will wear state-of-the art facemasks, and we’ll agree to keep the pallets of Bentonite on our side of the fence. Unless it’s a windy day in Tierra Del Mar, you’ll hardly notice they’re just 15 feet from your deck. And just because we’re hauling a swimming pool-sized truckload of water from the Valley every day, don’t be too concerned. The slide-prone cliff on Sandlake Road will hold together just fine—unless it doesn’t, and then just drive the other way around. Jeez! Certainly, we’ll clear-cut all of the natural vegetation; it just makes financial sense. But when we’re finished we will re-plant with…well, we’re not sure yet.

And about those perturbed visitors from Denver in your vacation rental? Don’t worry, they’ll alert their friends on Facebook to choose Grand Canyon instead. Minimizing bookings will minimize those refunds, and your busy housekeepers and property managers need their own vacation! Future undersea lines? No problem. This time, the cheapest route to connect all of your friends in Japan, to you, came right through the lot next door. We promise: Next time, if we can find a cheaper route from Point A to Point B—through someone else’s backyard—we’ll do that instead. Trust us, says Facebook. We look out for the public good. If you ever have a problem in the future don’t bother calling local regulators. We’re un-regulated, so Salem can’t help you. Facebook message our attorney instead. We promise he or she won’t un-friend you.

Gary Mier

Tigard

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